“Ring the bells that still can ring. Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack, a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.” ~Leonard Cohen

We human beings are social creatures. For the most part, we like to be with people, and we want people to like to be with us. The trouble is that we get all tied up in trying to communicate a version of ourselves that we think people will find attractive.

We want to appear successful, interesting, in control—and a winner! To keep up this image we work hard to hide away the parts of ourselves that we are not sure about, or we feel don’t work so well. The last thing we want to do is appear weak, or somehow insufficient. So, we project some kind of perfect version of ourselves that will ensure that we are loved and wanted.

The truth is that it’s impossible to keep this act together. Inevitably a moment comes when something gets to us so strongly that we can’t pretend any longer. We appear as we actually are—flawed, brave, struggling, and absolutely human.

This is the moment when we can experience vulnerability as a superpower. When we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, we are not pretending, we are not hiding—we are simply present with whatever is going on inside us. Ironically, it is this very feeling of authenticity that draws people to us, not the brittle effort of perfectionism.

Zero Tolerance for Vulnerability

For many of us our upbringing did not teach us how to be vulnerable; we’ve had to learn as we’ve faced the challenges life’s put in our way.

From my early years I can remember my mother urging me to hide my feelings from other people and never, ever to let them see when I was hurting, or in pain. She warned me that if I did, then I would be seen as showing weakness, and then I would be fair game to be taken advantage of, and ultimately, made a fool of.

She was my mother, and she was trying to protect me by instilling in me the values she herself had grown up with. It took me years—and sometimes I still fall back—to realize that the voice in my head urging me not to make a fool of myself, to keep my distance, was my childhood internalization of my mother’s fears.

The idea of finding strength in allowing myself to be vulnerable was a remote flicker on the edge of my consciousness.

“You cannot fulfil God's purposes for your life while focusing on your own plans. ” 
― Rick Warren, The Purpose Driven Life: What on Earth Am I Here for?

It is only fitting that the day I decide to sit down and actually write again, the first word that enters my mind is Surrender! 

If that isn't a whisper from God, I don't know what is.  God has placed me where I'm at this very moment for a reason, I must remember that and trust he is working everything out!

Sometimes life offers you a situation that requires you to call on all of your internal power. These types of situations ask you to dig deep and dig in, require you to hold your ground, set a difficult boundary, tell an impossible truth, to right a horrible injustice or to stand up for someone whose voice has been lost.  Other times life offers you a situation that requires you to surrender to powerlessness. These types of situations ask you to let go, practice forgiveness, find acceptance, lean into faith, learn to trust and to let something bigger than you take the wheel for a while.

My question is: how do I know which type of situation it is? How do I know if you're supposed to give up or give in? How do I know if you're supposed to fight or accept? How do I know if you're supposed to call on your own power or surrender to your own powerlessness?

We've probably all heard the serenity prayer hundreds, if not thousands of times. You know the one?

God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change,

the courage to change the things we can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

I've blazed through that last line countless times without really questioning it about it; making the assumption that, of course, I have the wisdom to know the difference. But the truth is: the more I think about this question, the more unsure I am of the answer.

I read in a book once that the highest happiness—comes only from a love of, communion with, and surrender to the Divine. To understand why this is, we need to first get clear about our definition of surrender. Instead of seeing surrender as giving in to a person, true surrender is rather a giving in to that larger force that is coursing through us, call it God, Higher Power, The Universe, the Divine or Love. 

In the act of true surrender, we are not surrendering to the other, we are surrendering to the unfolding of life itself.

So, back to that wisdom-to-know-the-difference part.

First, I need to be honest: I don't have the answer- I'm typically a person that jumps in with both feet, armed with anger and ego, hoping to make change and keep people from misbehaving. I'm typically the one that thinks that I have much more power than I really do and I'm typically the one that thinks I'm much more right than I really am.

For anyone who is trying to create change in their life, “surrender” is one of the hardest things to do. The meaning of “surrender” brings up so many points that we have in our head:

• I give up

• I don’t have control

• I have to give up control

• I am powerless

• If I surrender how am I going to get anything to change?

My whole life, I learned that the more control I have, the safer I will be. Every time I was hurt or disappointed, I learned to trust myself and others less. I made an agreement to protect myself by being more in control of my life. I learned to believe that if I don’t take care of myself, no one will.

To many of us, “surrender” means we are giving up our safety, and who would be willing to give that up? Rather than use the word “surrender,” which is loaded with so many definitions from our personal belief systems....I'd like to suggest that we use the word “acceptance.”

Unlike “surrender,” which is viewed as disempowering, “acceptance” is an act of personal choice and power. Acceptance represents a powerful first step toward internal change; it is the tool that accesses all of the power of my life force to propel me forward. 

So I say, “Okay, I can accept being empowered, and if “acceptance” is going to get me where I want to go, then I am willing to use it. But how do I begin to use the tool of acceptance? What do I practice accepting?”

The short answer is to practice accepting the truth. This means recognizing what is really happening in my life – the truth about the way I have learned to think, feel, and behave. When I accept the truth about the way I really am and the truth about what my belief system is creating, I have the power to access the doorway to change. When I am in denial or non-acceptance, when I resist the way things really are and the way I have learned to be, nothing can change.

It’s a catch 22 if you ask me.

The moment I stop trying so hard to get things to change, and accept the truth of what is and who I am in the present moment, I am in the place of transformation. Unfortunately, the way I learned to go about changing myself is exactly the opposite of how internal change happens. I learned through my childhood and years of conditioning that I have to do the “right” thing in order to get the outcome I want —I have to control myself, and control all the variables in my life. .

The beauty lies in reading that last paragraph again and again and being reminded that everything I have ever learned is subject to revision

AND WHAT I KNOW TODAY IS...when I accept who I am and accept the circumstances I have created in this moment, that the power to change myself is activated. When I change my internal world, the circumstances in my life reconfigure themselves to reflect the change within me and I am open to hearing the "God Whisper"

DO YOU HEAR THE WHISPER?

Today’s post is dedicated to Cambrey Little. to share my gratitude for opening my eyes to the change I needed!  

“Humility, like darkness, reveals the heavenly lights.” – Henry David Thoreau

When do you consider your life “finished”? At what point can you hang up your hat and say that you truly have done everything you wanted in life, you are perfect in every way and that you have learned all you need to know? The answer for all of us is the same – never. None of us can ever say with absolutely certainty that we have truly arrived and there is nothing more for us to do. Just like life is a never ending journey, the goal of being all that we can be in life is also never ending. We all have work to do – be it in our personal lives, our careers or in our community. There are always areas we can work on improving, new ideas we can learn and new experiences we can have and share with others

Much of the reason that we can never say we are “the best there is” comes from our humility – or our humbleness. You can think of humility as a built-in ego balancer. It makes sure that we don’t think to highly of ourselves (yes, there will always be someone better at what we do or someone who knows more than we do) or too negatively of ourselves (appreciation from coworkers, family and positive reinforcement from those around you). Most of us strive to make sure that we are humble in our lives and give credit where credit is due, and also receive credit when we deserve it. For many of us, we get our satisfaction in life over knowing that we have done a task to the best of our ability. Some people think that never accepting compliments and always talking about what a bad or worthless person they are makes them humble – this is false humility. Pride on the other hand tells us that we should shout our accomplishments from the rooftops and that our accomplishments make us better than people who have accomplished less.

Humility is also used as a way to remind us how far we have come and how far we have yet to go. It could be the 20-something college student who is graduating this year after he worked his way through four long years of college. The kid that nobody ever thought would make it to college because he grew up in public housing and never had a stable family. It’s that kid that recognizes where he has been and the struggles and work it took to get him to where he is today. He also realizes the vast opportunities that lay in front of him. His dreams of going on to a successful career and raising a family are some of his goals in life and act as a compass to help him know which way to go. The ideal world would be filled with inspirational stories like the one above. People like our young man above who doesn’t think he know it all or have done all there is; people who saw adversity and stared it in the face and overcame it. People who have clear goals set for their life and are working on achieving them. These people know how important it is to be humble because they know that it takes more than just one person for anything to happen – they know that it is better to help out those around you than to isolate yourself with your possessions or money.

So.. the big question- what is the first step to practicing humility for me?

First step - get myself. I’m not as great as I think I am. 

It's a simple concept, but a whole lot harder to put into practice. I have to leave my ego behind me. The human ego has a tendency to try to inflate itself, even when it has no good reason to do so. The challenge is that most of us want to feel that we have some power and importance in our own lives. The idea of lowering our importance to grow as a person may seem to go against our will to thrive and survive 

But I’m taking the first step - by asking the question. I am admitting I don't know. Admitting that I don't know" is a sign of humility. Finding out what you don't know, and trying to find out something about it, that can be a sign of greatness.

Final Thought:  Practicing humility makes us teachable, and therefore wiser. It makes us better listeners and therefore more valuable friends. It allows us to examine ourselves and our personal traits without shame or judgment. It helps us get to know ourselves like never before

The Story of Life

Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there, to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson, or to help you figure out who you are or who you want to become. You never know who these people may be (possibly your roommate, neighbor, coworker, longlost friend, lover, or even a complete stranger) but when you lock eyes with them, you know at that very moment that they will affect your life in some profound way.

And sometimes things happen to you that may seem horrible, painful, and unfair at first, but in reflection you find that without overcoming those obstacles you would have never realized your potential, strength, willpower, or heart.

Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness, and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small tests, whatever they may be, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere. It would be safe and comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless.

The people you meet who affect your life, and the success and downfalls you experience help to create who you become. Even the bad experiences can be learned from. In fact, they are probably the most poignant and important ones. If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart, forgive them, for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious when you open your heart. If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but because in a way, they are teaching you to love and how to open your heart and eyes to things.

Make every day count!!! Appreciate every moment and take from those moments everything that you possibly can for you may never be able to experience it again. Talk to people that you have never talked to before, and actually listen. Let yourself fall in love, break free, and set your sights high. Hold your head up because you have every right to. Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself, for if you don’t believe in yourself, it will be hard for others to believe in you. You can make of your life anything you wish. Create your own life then go out and live it with absolutely no regrets.

We all know that change doesn’t come easy. But what’s even harder is not reverting back to the original bad habits. Unlearning can mean many things….

It can mean to discard, to put something out of your mind.

It can mean to ‘undo’ the effect of or put aside the habit.

Or it can simply mean to try to forget something learned and dump accumulated knowledge.

Personal growth isn’t just about learning, sometimes it’s about unlearning too. You’re probably thinking…what is this girl talking about? “Unlearning” sounds so counterintuitive. Of course it does – our society is driven by learning, taking in knowledge on all levels, as much as we can, as fast as we can and as hard as we can.

Life is not linear and so our learning shouldn’t be either.

Unlearning isn’t about being right or wrong but being open, letting go of what we already know about the world, to explore something without any judgement or preconceived notions. And let’s be real here, our culture is rife with ideas that can actually get in the way of happiness and personal growth.

With that said, I think life would be a little sweeter if I was able to unlearn these things:

1. Just because my past wasn’t all rainbows and butterflies, that doesn’t mean that I’m damaged beyond repair.
   There’s no doubt that painful experiences leave scars, but we have to give ourselves permission to release the emotional baggage that comes with it. As I question my habitual thoughts, I know I’m one step further in the right direction of unlearning old patterns that no longer serve me in a positive way.
2. It doesn’t matter what people think of me.
   You’re probably thinking I wrote that wrong, that it should say “It matters what people think of me”. The reason I need to let go of this is because I think I’m living my life for myself…but then often go through self-inflicted turmoil over what my circle thinks of the decisions I make. If I realize that I actually do care about what people think but limit it to a select few opinions, then I can be happy that I’m honest with myself and avoid a lot of unnecessary flip-flopping.
3. Guilt is bad.
   We’re conditioned to think that guilt is only a bad feeling, that it’s a result of us doing something wrong. But maybe guilt isn’t that bad. Guilt could be the reason why someone snaps out of some bad behaviour and motivates themselves to pursue real life change. Guilt can also spark self-reflection and be the driver for amends. Learning to let go of  Guilt is still a work in progress but I no longer look at it as a bad thing, it just simply reminds me of how much I still have to accomplish
4. If you’re not happy, then something is terribly wrong.
   I have definitely preached to friends about the importance of being happy – and I’m sure they’re totally over it. Let’s face it, we won’t be happy, all the time and with everything, Sometimes the task of staying happy is actually the source of stress. Continuous happiness is not achievable (or real)…other feelings exist for a purpose!

That is just the tip of the iceberg of unlearning for me. It might seem like an awkward approach but sometimes you just have to empty your cup.

Life is good…I’m happily sailing through life a this very moment, and just enjoying the ease and flow of my experience; enjoying the good feelings that I can generate, merely by focusing my attention on a feel-good subject.  I am happy because I choose to be…I’m happy and enjoying my life.

I’m happy, and I like knowing I am getting better at this every day…and there are some things I don’t like, but there are a whole lot of things I do like.  I like knowing that I can choose what I think about and focus upon; I can choose to think about those things that I do like…and as I do that, I know I am moving towards all that I want. I love knowing that I can gently and easily adjust my thoughts, and I love knowing how to do this…I love the feeling of satisfaction that comes when I align my thoughts and feelings.

Yes TODAY…I am happy…happy to be me…happy to be at this place in my life…happy with where I am, and eager for more.

“Life is not always easy. And that is a major reason why it is so precious. Many of life’s best rewards are possible only because you must work your way through difficult challenges to get to them. If everything in life were easy, there would be no opportunity for real fulfillment.” –Ralph Marston

Where do we get the idea that our life is supposed to be easy? Why do we think that when we start something new, things are going to go smoothly and happen in the timeframe in which we think it should happen? Why do we think that we should get results for our efforts when we want them?

About a month ago I watched the movie “Big Stan.” One part that stands out is when Stan, a weakling, is undergoing physical strength training. In the beginning it seemed like he was undergoing torture, but what the training was doing was toughening him up and teaching him how to fight and defend himself. Now this didn’t happen overnight, it took him 5 months of training every day for hours and hours to accomplish his goal. Although this movie was a comedy, the strength training scene came to mind a couple weeks later when I was feeling frustrated about something. It was an “A-ha moment,” a “light-bulb moment.” I realized that I was being too hard on myself. I realized that this was my training period and results were not going to happen any sooner because it was my wish and I felt “ready,” like I knew all I needed to know. Thinking of the movie made me smile and relax. I knew I was to keep on the track that I was on and to keep learning, and improvement would come in time. Since then, I’ve been thinking about life and how we like knowing what to expect and knowing when we are going to succeed, or…if we are going through a tough time, when the tough time is going to end. But life has other plans. We may be thinking we are just trying to reach a specific goal of our choosing, or we’re just going through a difficult time, but perhaps life is developing other things in us, as well as teaching us.

I always say that our relationships are our most valuable treasures.  Relationships bring texture to our lives.  Important life events are hollow without someone to share them with, and possessions are meaningless if we enjoy them alone.  We are on this planet to be in relationship with each other, and relationships take time.

If you’re anything like me, your life is very busy.   There is money to be made, and phone calls to make, errands to run and chores to take care of.  There are club meetings, committees, church, rehearsals, leads groups, and countless other obligations eating up your time.   The result of all this activity is that we tend to neglect the very people whose presence in our lives make everything meaningful.  Tonight, for instance, I’m writing this blog about paying attention to the people you love, but because I’m trying to do teo things at once, I’m only pretending to listen to my sister on the couch next to me trying to tell me about her trip.   When we’re too busy, the people we love most pay the price of our neglect.

We ignore the people we love most because we forget how impermanent our time with them is.  When someone is a major part of our lives, we tend to think they will be there forever.  We think there will be time tomorrow, or next weekend, or next month, and then we’ll all do something nice together.  We forget that the only time we ever really have is the here-and-now.  There are no guarantees of tomorrow, let alone next month.

One of the great truths of life is that it is impermanent.  Things change, and people move on.  Children grow up, lovers come and go, and eventually the people we love will die, either slowly or suddenly.   When that happens, all we have left are the memories of the time we’ve spent together.   I’ve lost quite a few people over the course of my life, and I find that my most cherished memories are not of planned major events, like trips to Disney World; rather, they are the small, magical moments when time briefly stood still  and we cherished each other.

Take a moment to remember someone who has passed out of your life.  What are the memories of them that you most cherish?   What made those moments so magical?   Why do those memories stand out above all others?   My guess is that the memories you most cherish are not of big events, but rather are of small, almost insignificant snippets of time when you and that person were totally present for each other.  You had their undivided attention, even for a few minutes, and it made you feel loved.

Cherish those memories, and make it a point every day to make new memories of the same eternal quality.  Be fully present with the people who matter to you, even if only for a few moments.  When you’re talking to your children or your spouse, really pay attention to them.  Give them your complete and undivided attention.  When they want to talk to you, make some time to really listen to them.  Carve out moments in your busy schedule to simply be with someone that you love.  Cherish them, appreciate them, be grateful for them.  When they’re gone, you’ll be glad that you did.

Give the gift of your time to someone that you love.  The dishes can wait.

"Adversity does not build character, it reveals it."   James Lane Allen

Here’s a question for you: What are you made of? What are you really made of? When push comes to shove, when the rubber meets the road, when the chips are down, what lies at the very core of your character?  

You learn what you’re really made of only when things go wrong and you are tumbled, end over end, by some adversity or setback that hits you like a Mack truck coming out of an alley. Since your behaviors on the outside are the real indicators of who you are on the inside, only by observing how you behave when things go wrong can you tell what you really have inside you. Before, I had small problems with limited consequences; now I have large problems with enormous consequences. No matter how smart and clever and careful I am, I will always face life struggles, challenges, difficulties, and sometimes heartbreaking adversities every day, week and month of my life. And thank heaven for that! I couldn’t possibly have become the person I am today if I had not had to contend with adversity on my way up.  I like to call it “Living Life on Life’s Terms” I have used this term for years with so many people and without fail I always have the same reaction…… What does that mean?  It means that Life is not easy, it is hard. We don’t choose our life, we live it!! What does it mean to me?  Here is what I have come up with:

• It means I have to accept reality as it is and deal with it the best way I can, not by running and hiding and trying to change the way I feel.
• I can no longer get mad and disappear from the scene. I have to look at it and face it even if it is painful.
• It means learning that the world does not revolve around me. People are not constantly thinking about Cristina Campanella. I have to learn about my senses of expectations and disappointments and accept the results.
• It means I become responsible for my own sense of happiness because accepting life on life's terms means no one is going to do it for you.
• It means I have to accept "what is" and not what I want it to be. The only thing I have control over is myself, my own attitude, my perceptions and my response to life. What causes me the most pain, frustration, and unhappiness is my own inner resistance to the way things are.
• It means I can't change people, places, and things. but what I can do is role model the way I would like things to be, and set boundaries to keep myself positive.

Life is about living, loving, learning and of course laughter. Living life on life’s terms has much to do about our attitude toward our life. Do I choose a positive attitude or invite misery? Do I choose change or stay in my old comfort zones even if it is not the healthiest one for me?  What thoughts do I hold and keep my attention on? Yes, I have the choice at any moment to make changes in my life if it’s not working for me..

Our life is all about change and choice. Within each of us is the ability to create and live the life intended for us. We only need make the changes and choices that are truthful, honest and right for our own life.  Even in those times of adversity where life is not going as you had planned. 

As I rant and rave on this subject, I am going to leave it with this one last thing: no matter what - I try not to get so upset by life's lessons...I try to go "through them and learn from them - I don't always do that with grace and poise. Sometimes I do it kicking and screaming until I find that my own behavior / reaction is what I need to; re-frame. HOW WE HANDLE ADVERSITY IN OUR LIFE- IS HOW WE DEFINE THE PERSON WE ARE! Think about it….

If actions have consequences, then can actions be redeeming?

I truly believe that life is about the relationships we have – at the end of the day, when our time is up, the stuff we possess doesn’t matter, it’s the people we’re leaving behind. I’ve witnessed some relationships go from strong and solid to convoluted and fragile, glass-like almost. Any little thing will make it crack. Some have been salvageable while others have not been. Not even close.

What I observed about the saved relationships are that it consists of two willing parties who both want the same thing – to fix the broken relationship.

If it takes two to tango, it can’t take one person to mend a broken relationship. So if actions have consequences and can crack relationships, can actions redeem and forge relationships back together?

I’d like to think so.

What kind of action can fix a relationship? It could be any grand gesture…lending a helping hand unrequested, reaching out with complete openness, writing a heartfelt letter or just giving a targeted act of kindness.

Whatever you decide to do though, it has to be 100% genuine. You can’t do it just because you think you should or just because you want to “get it over with”. They’ll be able to see through it and that you don’t really mean it…it needs to come from a true desire of reconciliation and reunion.

It’s the law of cause and effect.

Your actions will have consequences, whether they’re negative or positive. It’s been said that what we think we become, so if we harbour feelings of resentment, anger or jealousy, what do you think our actions will reflect?

Change your thinking and you can change your karma.